“You have many choices. You can choose forgiveness over revenge, joy over despair.
You can choose action over apathy....”   

Stephanie Marston

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Choosing Joy

By Rich Blue

What in the world is JOY?  We are familiar with the Christmas hymn, “Joy to the World” and many recognize “joy” as a fruit of the Spirit.  But, what is it really?  Experiencing writers block while I was wrestling with this article, my wife asked me, “How often do you experience joy?”  I felt convicted and thought to myself, “That wasn’t very nice!”  I can’t say in the moment that Sue bolstered my creative confidence, however, I had gained a better understanding of why I felt so challenged by the topic.

Joy is the byproduct of living life to its fullest.  It is not the absence of pain and disappointment or anger and frustration.  Joy is not synonymous with happiness or excitement.  It transcends the pleasantly circumstantial, residing deep within the heart of our soul.  Joy is the sense of being totally alive, completely present in the moment and experiencing all our emotions fully.  When considering joy, each of us may feel some degree of discomfort because we are not more joyful.

Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”¹  Jesus’ purpose was for each of us to live life to its fullest—to twist, squeeze and extract every ounce of nourishment possible from every moment of every day.  Some experiences are ripe and overflowing with juices while others appear dry and leathery.  The question is not whether joy is available—it is whether we know how to make it accessible in the moment.

Jesus did not promise his followers a life insulated from hardship and struggle.  Instead, his pledge was to empower and equip us to overcome any obstacle, transforming every outwardly negative circumstance into a joyfully beneficial experience.  James wrote, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”²  James was encouraging Christ followers to find joy in the character developing opportunity available in every challenge we face.

One of the greatest challenges I face is to maintain joy in the face of conflict.  For many of us, arguing triggers all kinds of painful childhood associations, including memories of our parents yelling, fighting or leaving. For others, conflict sets off an exaggerated fear of the unknown, having been shielded from all fighting, we never learned the positive potential of constructive conflict.  When we fight with others we always risk rejection and abandonment, yet, are there not many important things worth fighting for?

In an attempt to be more joyful, let’s be careful to not be too quick to condemn anger. The problem with conflict is that most people are not fighting for something worthwhile.  They are reacting against something, like seeing and owning the truth, resisting change or taking responsibility for their actions.  Paul teaches, “"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”³  There is the potential for great joy when we learn how to work with our anger constructively.

In the same way joy is present in the face of harmony, so joy is available as we are fighting the good fight. The process may not be pleasant but the outcome can be joyful when we see truth and justice prevailing as well as the roots of a relationship deepened and our confidence in a relationship strengthened.

Paul closed his letter to the church at Philippi saying, “I rejoice (re-joy-ce) greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”⁴  The secret to experiencing a joy-filled life is, regardless of circumstances, to rely on God’s strength, which makes all things possible. 

Let joy be the natural bi-product of abiding in God, experiencing all our feelings fully and watching the fruit of His Spirit multiply within us.

R E S P E C T: Find out What it Means to Me

By Jennifer Eaton

Coming off the month of February and all the emphasis on love, perhaps some of you are feeling a bit disillusioned or dissatisfied with your marriage.  Six years and two children under 2 into mine, I sometimes wonder what happened to the feelings of love and joy we experienced while we were courting.  Wives, wouldn’t you love to be able to get back just a little bit of that feeling that you had the first time he held your hand?  Remember the tingles?  Husbands, will she ever look at you the same way again as you share your dreams for the future?  Remember how much admiration there was in her eyes?

Let me tell you my story.  During the first couple of years of our marriage, I remember my husband making this comment to me on several different occasions, “I know you love me, but do you respect me?”  Usually this question followed our settling some argument or getting to the bottom of some disagreement we had.  Earnestly desiring to meet his needs in our marriage, I’d ask him what he meant.  He’d try to explain and I’d try to understand but I knew I wasn’t really getting it.  This conclusion would be confirmed a few months later when he’d ask me the same question again. 

Then in 2003, I was driving and happened upon a Focus on the Family radio broadcast featuring Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  Preferring music, I rarely listen to talk radio, but this time something caught my attention.  He was talking to wives about their husband’s need for respect.  He was saying that husbands need respect from their wives in the same way that wives have a need for love from their husbands.  Ephesians 5:33 was his principal verse, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV)  For many this is such a familiar passage, but I was beginning to realize that there was something priceless in this passage that I didn’t fully understand.  That something was respect.

How does this fundamental difference in core needs play out in a marriage relationship?  According to Eggerichs, to the measure that spouses are meeting each other’s core needs there will be joy and energy in the marriage.  On the other hand, to the extent that couples are neglecting or even wounding their mates in these core areas, they will experience conflict and dissatisfaction.

Eggerichs calls this conflict “The Crazy Cycle.”  He asserts that “Without Love- She Reacts- Without Respect” and “Without Respect- He Reacts- Without Love.”  The whole thing becomes a cycle that couples get in that spirals out of control in a conflict.

On the other hand, the key to motivating and energizing your spouse is in meeting their core need for love or respect.  Dr. Eggerichs calls this “The Energizing Cycle: Her Love- Motivates- His Respect and His Respect- Motivates- Her Love.”  I realized that if I wanted to energize my husband to give back to me in loving ways, I needed to take responsibility for meeting his need for respect.

This desire to meet my husband’s need for respect brought me to the realization that I didn’t know what that meant.  What does respect mean?  I even admit that at the beginning I had to look it up in the dictionary because I knew I couldn’t even formulate a good definition. How would you define respect?  Even more important, how would your husband?  What would spell respect most clearly to him?

I’d encourage wives to take a few minutes to think about respect.  Your husband probably knows you love him, but does he wonder if you respect him?  Ask him.  You may be surprised by what he has to say.  Think of two or three things you respect or admire about your husband.  Approach him in a casual way at a relaxed time of the day such as when he’s getting dressed in the morning or getting ready for bed at night.  Tell him you’ve been thinking about all the things you respect about him and then leave the room.  Don’t tell him anything else.  You may find a very eager man chasing you down in the living room a few minutes later asking you to elaborate.  If that happens, tell him the 2 or 3 things you thought of that you admire about him.

Upcoming CLE Events

Men of Character:  Challenged to Grow
Saturday March 10, 2007 7:30 - 10:30 am

Spring Retreat  May 18 - 20, 2007
Healing the Father Wound

Fall Retreat  November 2 -4 , 2007

Leadership Growth Group

How often have you felt the pain and frustration of knowing that you are not living to your highest at work?  You’re receiving support and seeing growth in your personal life, but find yourself struggling to see the fruit where you work.  At CLE, we offer a growth group designed specifically to support you in becoming a more effective leader in your place of work, service or ministry.

This group’s focus is to equip you with the skills and support you need to reach your highest and make a significant impact in your place of work. We are defining work broadly to include areas of service in which you have a leadership role that might include a responsibility in your church or community.  Each member declares a leadership project and this project will be the primary focus of your work in Group. 

 The objectives of the group will be to:

n       Identify Purpose and Vision

n       Learn the Art of Goal Setting

n       Experience the Benefits of Mutual Accountability

n       Grow in Your Ability to be a Team Player

n       Incorporate Play and Work

n       Support you in Achieving both Satisfaction and Success

Rich Blue leads the Leadership Growth Group which meets every other week on Tuesday mornings from 6-8am.  Contact Christina at (847)272-3684 ext. 10 for more information.

CLE's Groups

CLE has a variety of groups to choose from. Please contact Christina at (847) 272-3684 ext. 10 if you would like more information about a specific group.

Staff Directory

Richard Blue, M.A., LCPC, NCC
Clinical Director
(847) 333-9933

Nancy Rollins, M.S., LCPC, NCC
nrollins@center-4-life.com
(847) 333-9082

Gabriela Caballero Cantú, M.A., LPC
gcantu@center-4-life.com
(847) 333-6401

Jennifer Parsons, M.A., MFT
jpsarons@center-4-life.com
(847) 333-0064

Christina Norman
Office Manager
cnorman@center-4-life.com
(847) 333-3684 ext. 10

Jenn Eaton
Administrative Assistant
jeaton@center-4-life.com
(847) 333-3684 ext. 10